Milestones

I am living a life of praise. And it is such a gift.

~

I am living a life of praise. And it is such a gift. ~

A Little Piece from August 2022:

The Backstory That Led Me to Make Changes

Many of you are aware that, back in 2018, I had what I now call a ‘white supremacist patriarchy meltdown'. That phrase may be full of buzzwords but I can assure you that what happened was deeply personal and it took me into an overwhelm that I didn't know how to work with. It wrought a life-altering truth-telling for me. I had known the truth of oppression and inequity - I had been perfectly aware of my own disenfranchisement based on the identities I bear, and had observed the inequity all around me for my entire life - but I hadn't let it sink in to the point where I could allow that truth to open doors of understanding. Doors that would allow me to operate in the world in very different ways - that would allow me to deepen my awakening and deepen my capacity to be in relationship with all of the people in my life - the ones I know and the ones I don't yet know. I didn't have a language for what was happening to me and others. I didn't understand the fullest picture of it. But suddenly, it was unavoidable. I needed to put this front and centre in my life.

I woke up to all of this fairly late in life, but the awakening was powerful. At the time, I invited non-white yoga students and teachers to come to my living room in a group that we took to calling ‘Yogis of Colour’. I had a rich series of ‘No, you’re not crazy' moments as I shared my experiences and heard the experiences of others. I realised the truth:

That folks who are not bearing dominant culture identities (white, cis-gender, able-bodied, etc) are living in a completely different reality that our dominant culture identity-bearing counterparts. Hearing those stories, I understood that fellow BIPOC yoga teachers and facilitators were dealing with levels of suspicion, lack of respect, disenfranchisement, ethnic bigotry and racism that constituted living a second or third class existence as a teaching professional, as compared with the white teachers I knew.

This process ignited in me a reckoning:

one that has created a complete shift away from the kinds of offerings I was making, away from the yoga studio, ultimately, away from teaching yoga immersion course teacher training which had been my primary focus for a solid decade.

I was mistreated at most (not all) of the studios where I taught. This came in the form of what is usually called ‘microaggression’ but also included full blown ethnic bigotry and Islamophobia at the hands of senior management. It was made perfectly clear that my years of experience, the hours of dedicated teaching, and all the relationships that were cultivated between me & students & staff members were essentially worthless if I chose to speak truth about my needs and my experience.

Moreover, in facing my own disenfranchisement, I became exponentially more sensitive to my South Asian and Indian counterparts with regard to the sharing and dissemination of the spiritual work and achievement of their ancestors and lineage. In considering the history of how yoga became so ubiquitous in places outside South Asia - amongst the wealthiest populations of the world - I had to see for myself how exploitation and extraction are at the root of the relationship between these parts of the world and the origin cultures of yoga - and how every non-South Asian yoga teacher, everyone who earns money out of this ‘industry’ owes a debt of more than gratitude to the descendants of the people who carried this tradition forward. Yes, I advocate the payment of personal reparations.*

When asked to come back and teach in person last year, I declined. I declined to offer The Practices of Leadership and Empowerment Yoga Teacher Training again. In my offerings, I focused on sharing from other streams of wisdom - wisdom connected to my ancestors of this land, where I live here in the UK. I educated myself, and continue to do so, in the way of anti-oppression and anti-racism.

Since my sudden spiritual awakening in 1998, I have been focused on my journey in spirit above all else. It has been my honour to share the teachings that have come into my hands (often through unjust, inequitable channels) and to support people in deepening their awakening. I no longer see that spiritual awakening exists for anyone without a clear understanding of systemic dynamics, socially constructed identity, inequity and oppression. I have seen how spiritual awakening is, among other things, the awakening of the collective self. Learning to live as the collective self entails a far deeper consideration of the impacts of my existence, and a share in the relationship to the most vulnerable among us.

I am not saying no to ever sharing my work in yoga studios again. But I needed a minute. I needed to process my systemic oppression trauma. Since autumn of 2020, I have been in deep work with an expert in bio-mechanics and the nervous system. I have spent hours in the work of bringing my body into para-sympathetic dominance (rest, create, digest, respond), rather than sympathetic dominance (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, die).

It’s a process, and it’s been in turns confusing and illuminating. Having realized, on the cusp of my birthday this year, how easy it would be to neglect to recognise how far I’ve come, I want to mark some milestones and share them with you.

I celebrate them wholeheartedly. Here they are:

I am, for the most part, pain-free, for the first time in my life.

I was an achey kid and body pain was a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Being pain-free is something I aimed for for years. Turns out that becoming para-sympathetic dominant means living without that pain. It is incredible to live without the chronic achiness, tweaks, niggles, twinges and the low back issues that had me pretty well bedridden at one point in 2019. Pain-free doesn't mean sensation-free or discomfort-free. But my relationship to the sensorium of my body-world is entirely transformed, and I remain in truly grateful celebration of this fact.

I decided to be in generative relationships in which I am prized for who I am, and my love and care is well received.

I have a natural curiosity and I've spent years cultivating compassion. As such, I can be around folks who don't always honour me and not take it personally. I can remain engaged in what I enjoy about them, and be very curious and open about what I don't. HOWEVER, it was clear to me that I wasn't always met with the same generous and curious spirit. That didn't matter to me before, but now it does. I want to be in relationship with folks who are able to celebrate me, period, and who are able to receive my love and care with appreciation. Yes, this has meant distancing myself from some of the folks who used to be in my life. Let me tell you, I have no regrets.

I decided to no longer be guided by my fears about money.

Money anxiety has been a huge part of my life (anyone else?). I was aware for a long time that I was making choices based in anxiety rather than my creative power. Of course, that has made me vulnerable to some not-clear thinking about the way I spend my time, and on what kinds of energies I align myself to. I determined that FEAR would not run my life. So, I am here, in trust, earning so so much less than I have in my entire adult life - and not waking in a dead sweat every morning wondering what I will do. Instead: I am taking my time. I am pruning my engagements even though I could arguably ‘use the cash’. The benefits of crashing through my money fears have been, I mean, UNSPEAKABLY ENJOYABLE. It is so much better to live in love, care, and creativity than in fear and terror. Worth every misaligned penny I could be earning.

I deepened my devotion.

All of the above wouldn't be possible if I wasn't in profound communion with my God-self. If I wasn't in love with Life-as-God. If I didn't trust that this Life intends for me to enjoy the truth-absolute of my freedom.

As such, it is an honour to bow, to deeply, deeply bow, to the Divine, in everything I do, and to keep deepening my understandings and capacities. This summer, on spiritual pilgrimage, I had a significant awakening to the Star World, and the wisdom of the Starlight. As a very earthy type of a practitioner, this has surprised and delighted me.

Divinity delights me on the daily, in countless ways.

I am living a life of praise. And that is such a gift.

What are your milestones? Write to me here; I'd love to hear about them.

*I owe my understanding and the deepening of my sensitivity on this matter to my esteemed friend and colleague, Kallie Schut.